Now, now my little babies, do not let the title of this post cause you distress. I promise I’m going to try to make this as enjoyable as possible. Approximately 24 hours ago I informed you all that today was going to be dedicated to the worst games of 2009. I’ve been debating how I should do this post. It’s kind of like a band-aid or a scab, should I just rip it off or slowly pick at it? You know what’s weird about that scenario? Both are somewhat enjoyable, at least to me. I mean, if you rip ‘em right off then the pain is severe but you’re done with it and can revel in your toughnitude (that’s all me, dibs). But, if you slowly peel them off then the pain is constant, yet not as severe, and you can play the mind game of, “Okay, I’m about to just rip. Nope, I have to stop, this hurts too bad. Eff it, just keep going, we’re almost done….” That basically goes on until someone tells you to stop, you wuss out from the pain, or you get the scab/band-aid removed in full. Or, this could all just be me and right now you think I’m some sort of sadomasochistic sicko. Oh yeah, we’re in for a treat tonight!!

I want to start this off with a caveat to all the publishing houses, producers and/or designers of any of the games I mention tonight: I know you worked hard on these games and I do appreciate that hard work. I also want you to know that you can feel free to send me any games you work on in the future, no matter the quality of the final product. Basically, don’t be mad at me for pointing out the ridiculousness that you put on store shelves. Now that’s done, and I’m pretty sure I should start looking for another site to write for, let’s get down to the dirty deed…

Let’s get things rolling with the babelicious combo of Jenny McCarthy & Daisy Fuentes. Both of them decided to cash in on their looks one final time, only this time it was at the behest of Wii owners. There are, unfortunately, tons of stupid games published for The Wii *cough* WiiCheer *cough*, but these two really took the cake when they released “Daisy Fuentes:Pilates” and “You Shape featuring Jenny McCarthy”. Do I really need an ex-playmate and the betty that was the host of House of Style teaching me Yoga? Does the ambiguous blue guy or pink lady (or whatever color they are) in Wii Fit not do a satisfactory job? I think I’d rather buy a game where Jenny, Daisy and the Wii Fit folks participate in an early 90’s WWF style cage match. (Side note: For the younger members of the audience, WWF is what WWE was when it was actually kinda awesome. Don’t believe me? Then google Bret “Hitman” Hart, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock (yeah, dude used to wrestle), Owen Hart, or The Undertaker & Paul Bearer. Done? You’re welcome.) Now that sounds like something I could be interested in. Adolescent dreams of Ms. Fuentes aside, there was no need for these games and unless they cost less than $2000 to make, someone got ripped off. I won’t make you suffer through videos of the atrocities that I just spoke of, instead there’s a nice treat for all of us who want to remember Daisy Fuentes for being awesome.

Now, it’s time for the creme de la creme, ladies and gentleman. I’m not even going to front, it makes me a little sad to dub this game the worst of the year. This is mainly because I met the creators of the game, and spent time with all those involved in making it happen. All that said, SimAnimals:Africa is still a crap game. It just didn’t do anything for me whatsoever, and the fact that they told us during our hands-on that it ended with a dinosaur egg hatching in the African jungle somewhere, well that didn’t help. Even if I could get over the fact that I played “a hand” that could pet lions and then stuff them in my backpack only to move to another part of Africa, I can’t get over taking orders from some crazy ass parrot or toucan or annoying bird. Especially when all said bird is leading me to is the discovery of a mysterious dinosaur egg. Seriously, re-read this paragraph and try to filter out my wit, or sarcasm if you will, and tell me that Africa sounds like something you want to play. That’s what I thought. Side note: It also didn’t help that during my time with one of the producers of the game, he was kinda meh about the game. Almost like he just worked on it because EA said, “Hey, we need you to make SimAnimals: Africa”. (Side note: Yes, that was the first ever, and last, side note that was written un-paranthesized (that’s also all me, dibs.))

So there you have it folks, SimAnimals: Africa is WiiSpin’s Worst Game of 2009. Again, if anyone involved in making these games read this blog, don’t hate me. I’m really kind of a nice guy if you get to know me. Well, maybe not nice, but I do appreciate that it takes a lot of work to make a game. Hell, even crappy games take tons of work and people putting minds together to get the job of releasing a horrible game to the masses. So, congratulations, you did it! I’m going to spare you having to watch anything SimAnimals, but I am going to post the ridiculousness that is Jenny McCarthy. You know, just to show that I totally favor Daisy Fuentes. Enjoy, and stay thirsty my friends.